Moments

Lying there with my head on his shoulder, all I could see of his face was his left eye and the corner of his mouth. I watched, captivated by the way his face would crinkle when he smiled and it took my breath away as the thought formed in my head that his was the most beautiful face I had seen in a long time.

~~~~~

Martha and I walked the quarter mile back to our cottage along the darkened beach, the wet sand cool and firm beneath our feet and the stars so brilliant above. To our right the ocean stretched out infinitely and the blackness was absolute and gentle with the sound of waves. I held her soft, little hand and we talked and felt a little afraid because it was so dark but also felt safe because we were together, she and I.

~~~~~

He entered my room one last time and knelt beside my bed while I listened to my parents' voices murmuring downstairs. And on this night, for the first time, I felt waves of anger and violence and in my head I sat up and screamed and hit him, punched him and raged and I made sure he knew he would never, ever do that again.

~~~~~

Kindergarten, line up at the door, two lines please. I stood behind another child, looking backward at my sweater hanging on the door across the room. I needed my sweater. My mom would be mad if I came home without my sweater. But my teacher would be mad if I got out of line. We were supposed to stay in line. I had to get my sweater but I had to stand in line, don't move, don't ruin the line. What's a kid supposed to do? I decided to cry.

~~~~~

We ran a marathon, 26.2 miles, the last one taking us across a bridge towards the State Capitol in St. Paul and I thought in those final moments of running that I had never been so happy, never felt so good and so strong. I remembered our wedding day and how that was supposed to be the happiest day of my life but only I guess until we ran that marathon.

~~~~~

On vacation, sleeping in the darkened house, Martha awoke in the so-called wee hours. We spent the next few hours lying as still as we possibly could, barely breathing, waiting for her to fall back asleep. In desperation, we dressed and carried her outside, into the unexpected fog, so dense we could barely see our feet. We passed under the willow tree behind the house, fog and willow branches brushing our faces, our arms. A drive in the car, in the dark, in the fog, in the middle of the night seemed to make no sense but when she fell asleep, the three of us were safe in our tiny, quiet, little world.

~~~~~

In the summer, the front walk made of tawny flagstones stretched out to the curb, soaking up the heat from the sun all day. When the sun went down, we could sit for hours on that walk and feel the heat released back up into our bodies, like magic, like summer.

~~~~~

So many moments, all roll into one, moments when life and the world and my heartbeat seem suddenly more real, so real that I can feel the moment pressing in on me and imprinting itself on my head. It's exquisite and painful and fleeting. But it is mine and I keep them in a very special collection.