I really think I could help Lindsay Lohan see the error of her ways...

I'm with you sister, but honestly...

With all the famous people there are in the world making complete asses out of themselves it’s hard to focus on just one, but Lindsay Lohan is one superstar I can totally relate to. I saw her picture in the paper this week and read about the unfortunate shoplifting charges and all I could think was "Oh LiLo, I so know how you feel." Because I have been there, done that. The main difference between her and me is that when I was caught shoplifting I owned up to it right away and took responsibility for my actions. If there was some way for me to sit down with that poor girl and give her one good piece of advice, I would encourage her to do the same, to accept her foibles and get on with life. Like me.

To be fair, I guess there are a few other minor differences between Lindsay and me. She is younger than I am, by quite a few years. And she has a lot more money than I do. She's definitely thinner than I am and I bet she has better skin, too. Oh and I guess I should also admit that when I had my little shoplifting indiscretion at the tender age of 15, I wasn't actually stealing anything valuable, like a $2500 necklace or anything. It was maybe more like a $1.99 necklace and if it was actually priced at that, it was a total rip-off, which is probably why I thought I should just stuff it in my pocket because it wasn’t worth anything anyway. But hey, unlike Lindsay, I really needed my necklace. I didn't have a job and I really didn't care for babysitting anymore – that was so junior high. But my Madonna-wannabe wardrobe required that I wear excessive, cheap jewelry on my wrists and where the hell else was I supposed to find it? Stealing junk jewelry from K-Mart was clearly my only option and I would stop at nothing when it came to accomplishing my fashion goals.

I lived on a fairly busy street in Denver growing up, so imagine how it must have looked to all those passers-by as they made their way around that police cruiser parked in front of my house, me and the good officer of the law slinking up that long front walk to my door. I know my sister was certainly horrified when she & her friend pulled up behind the police car after their Sunday afternoon outing. I thought she might muster the tiniest sense of pride for my grand bad-girl gesture, but really she was just embarrassed. Imagine that.

The next day I had to go down to police headquarters (with my mom) and talk to some scary guy (not as scary as my mom) and I promised I wouldn't do it again (and actually meant it, Lindsay) and I took it seriously when he said if I got caught again it would go on my permanent record. It freaks you out when people start threatening your “permanent record,” you know. But that was pretty much the end of it. Plus my mother told me I was no longer permitted to be friends with the girl I got caught shoplifting with. And she said she'd give me $5/week for allowance (sweet!). The sister really liked that part.

But the point is, I really felt bad about what I had done. I was remorseful, to say the least. I had no problem admitting that, yes, I stole a couple bucks worth of trashy-looking jewelry from K-Mart and I accepted my punishment (short-lived humiliation plus $5/week allowance). Now Lindsay, would it really be so bad to just do the same? Like I said, I know how you feel and I think I just demonstrated that by telling this tale of woe. And if you don't take responsibility for your actions, what's next? A public break-down? Shaving your head? A film career like Wynona Ryder? OK, you may be well on your way to that already. But I think you can do better than that. Maybe you could try giving yourself a little weekly allowance of some sort. It worked for me. And look at me now.