Sunday, July 17, 2011
Nothing so satisfying as home-ownership...
Me: Hello, plumber? Yes, our kitchen faucet is leaking.
Plumber: Your problem is the diverter.
Plumber: I don’t have a replacement so when you use the squirty hose, you won’t get much pressure and the water will still run from the faucet. But keep this part, put it in a ziploc baggie and carry it around in your purse for 8 months. When you find a replacement, put the new one right in here. I’m just going to replace this O-ring here…
Me: Why do you suppose they call it an O-ring? I mean, it’s a ring. What other letter does a ring look like?
Plumber (staring blankly and, I think, ever-so-slightly shaking his head, which I obviously interpret as disappointment): That’ll be 80 dollars.
Me: Yes, right-O. Here you are.
Eight months later…
Me: Hello, other plumber? Yes, our squirty hose thing drips.
Other Plumber: Oh, you need a new faucet.
Me: Really? But we’re still on the phone, you haven’t even looked at it yet.
OP (arrives at home): Yep, you need a new faucet. I tried replacing the squirter but it still leaks. You should get a new faucet, call me when you need it installed.
Me: Ok, bye. I’ll just leave this squirty hose pulled out and hanging in the sink so the water doesn’t keep dripping down under the sink. Oh yes, that’s very tidy. Hmm, add “buy new faucet” to my list of things to do.
The next day…
Me: Hello, electrician? I’d like the outlets in my living room looked at. My 1920s bungalow has a lot of old wiring and my mom thinks my house will catch on fire because the vacuum cleaner always trips the circuit and I’m a little bit afraid of her so will you come fix it so I can get her off my back?
Electrician: So you’re saying there are too many outlets hooked up to that circuit?
Me: Well, I’m not sure. I mean, define “too many.”
Electrician: I could put in an Arc Fault Circuit Breaker. That’d be $150. What brand circuits do you have?
Me: Um… everything in the circuit box says General Electric.
Electrician: Oh! General Electric circuits… how wide are they? Not how long, how wide?
Me: A half inch?
Electrician: Oh! Half inch, General Electric, well they don’t make an Arc Fault Circuit Breaker for that. In that case, I’d either have to go into the wall and move some lines around or put in a sub-circuit, that’d be another $250. Do you want to schedule that?
Me: Well, uh, are you sure you don’t need to actually see this stuff first to make sure because, I don’t know if you can tell, but I don’t really have any fucking idea what you’re talking about.
Electrician: Yeah, I know.
Me: Um, I better talk to my husband. I’ll call you back.
Electrician: Sure, and if he has any questions, have him call me.
Me: Yes of course, because, since he has a penis just like you I’m sure he’ll automatically know what an Arc Fault Circuit Breaker is even though he has been known to refer to the yard stick as “the big ruler.”
Electrician: Yeah, that’s right.
Me: Ok, thank you.
Five minutes later…
Me: Husband, have you noticed the phone making this loud buzzing noise?
Husband (listens on phone): Yes, that’s bad. I will call Qwest and they will tell me they are testing the line and then I’ll hang up and wait for an hour and nothing will happen and then I’ll call back and they’ll tell me they’re sending someone out in a few days.
Me: Ok, great! That’s very helpful.
Later that evening…
Husband: Our water heater is leaking.
Me (running downstairs, checking state of laundry room floor, and running back upstairs): No, our water heater is fine. It’s our main drain backing up. I can tell because of the putrid, black blobs of foulness that are deposited in a ring around the drain in the middle of the room. Good thing it’s Saturday evening at 9:00pm so we can guarantee someone will respond right away to our calls tomorrow morning.
Sunday, July 17, 2011 2:30pm
Well, here I am. I’m just hanging around the house, waiting for Mr. Rooter to come exorcise the demonic goo from our main sewer line. I hope he doesn’t ask me what we flush down our toilets like the last guy did. I’m really not comfortable with that topic of conversation. I’m pretty sure Mr. Rooter said he'd be here between 2:00 and 3:00pm. I couldn’t really hear very well because of the buzzing on the phone. What if he was actually saying “I comb my hair between 2 and 3pm?” (Heavy sigh) Me and Mick Jagger… we can’t git no satisfaction.