Sunday, May 22, 2011

Post-failed-rapture Musings

Five Reasons I Thought For Sure I Had a Chance at Ascending to Heaven
  1. I almost always say “Bless you” when someone sneezes. Even to total strangers at the grocery store. Mostly I do this just to watch the surprised look on their faces. It amuses me. But it also feels like a proper response. The unblessed sneeze leaves me hanging. It’s very unsettling. A sneeze needs closure.
  2. My husband and I have undertaken an intense campaign of ziploc sandwich bag recycling over the last few years, which makes us feel extremely virtuous. Even the greasiest bag or the one smeared with peanut butter & jelly gets scrubbed out with hot, soapy water and hung up to dry. Then again, good ecological practices may not necessarily equate to holiness, so maybe I misjudged this one. Or maybe my smugness over this practice actually worked against me.
  3. I am generally pretty accepting of people from all walks of life. I try to be kind and polite to individuals with really lowly jobs in the service industry because I figure they get crapped on all the time. There is definitely no reason to think I’m better than they are.
  4. I’m a generous tipper.
  5. When I’m at a store and I see a short person trying to reach something on a high-up shelf, I always offer to reach it for them since I am 5’9” and seem quite skilled at stretching my body out as long as I can. Little old ladies really dig this.
Five Reasons I Did Not Stand a Chance In Hell at Ascending to Heaven

  1. I swear a lot. And I really like it. And I really have no qualms about spelling out the word god or even God, without that little hyphen in between the g and the d. I think it would be super petty of God to hold this against me on judgment day.
  2. I don’t attend church. Although, this seems pretty trivial, too, really. What about the individual who lives in a remote tribal area of a sparsely populated country? That guy doesn’t go to church either but he may be extremely sublime. But still, I really make no effort to worship any divine power. Unless you count feeding the birds.
  3. I am generally pretty unaccepting of people who I simply find stupid. And I can cast a pretty wide net on this one. Sarah Palin, Charlie Sheen, my neighbor who doesn’t like me because I added a garage to my house in 2005 and “ruined his view” from his kitchen window (mighty Christian of me to target my neighbor, huh?), Harold Camping, drivers who don’t obey yield signs in traffic, who actually don’t even seem to comprehend what the word “yield” means. I mean, I try to be as “zen” as possible when I’m driving and consider that not every stupid move by a driver is a personal affront to me, but the yield sign, that should not be such a danger zone. Those people need a dictionary and fast.
  4. I can be somewhat quick to judge. See #3.
  5. Let’s face it, I didn’t really believe any of that rapture crap anyway. I think the whole world is slowly going to hell without any divine intervention and I just don’t see how a person’s character, good or bad, is going to make much of a difference at the rate we’re going. My sincere apologies to the truly good people of the world.