Wednesday, January 26, 2011

State of the fam

addressing my minions
I'm not the president of my household; I'm the Queen, Supreme Ruler. There is no democracy here, unless I say it's a democracy, which usually means either I want someone else to make the decision or I just don't care. Probably both. But I've observed the goings-on here and, ultimately, I do want what is best for the welfare of our household and the family members herein so I have prepared some comments on the current state of our collective life and I'm willing to make a half-hearted attempt to improve things as long as it does not require too much of me.

Financially, the outlook is fair, despite the fact that not all household members are living up to their economic potential. I can't help it; I just don't want a job. I've had them before and quite frankly I was never a big fan. However, my contributions to the Downright Domestic Product (DDP) remain quite strong, particularly in the area of hours spent cleaning the kitchen, packing lunches, and the never-ending chore of “putting crap away.” And let us not ignore the astronomical amount of time spent providing comfort, solving problems and general tending to needs of others. To put it bluntly, I'm really working my ass off here, despite the lack of earnings. Let's not complain about the division of labor.

I see cracks in our foundation, which trouble me deeply. Actually, they are not cracks and they are not in the foundation. It's more like water damage on the ceiling and warped window frames from ice dams on the roof. But I believe that, with the help of the independent contractor, we can repair all cracks to emerge stronger in the face of the next winter of never-ending snow. Oh who am I kidding, we'll pay a bunch of money to fix the house and we'll just have ice dams again some other year. Fear not for our infrastructure however, because I’m almost positive that the house is not going to crumble.

Morale is not always good in our home and I spend a lot of time worrying about this issue. For instance, when the dog pees in the basement repeatedly, is he displaying anxiety related to aging? When the child engages in pretend play with her stuffed animals and the animals swear at each other, is this displaced anger she feels towards me? Is it wrong that when she says she'll be lonely if she sleeps all night in her own bedroom, I am totally incapable of formulating any kind of plausible argument as to why that's ridiculous? And should I be at all troubled by the empty Jameson bottles I find in the recycling when I never actually see anyone partaking of the drink? I have spent endless hours pondering the answers to these questions and others and in the end, I must conclude that I am overtaxed by the burden of all this pondering. I hereby vow to make an overhaul of the tax structure so that, in the future, I am not taxed at all and everyone else is required to invest much more time into worrying about how I am doing instead. I'm not feeling optimistic that true progress can be made in this arena but I am good at making the oath, nonetheless.

People, the bottom line is, life produces a lot of stuff, not all good. And while it is beneficial to review and evaluate and try to make positive changes, the clock is ticking and we don’t want to waste much time on scrutiny. We have to get busy living. I’m just glad I’m not the dude in charge of our country. There’s a lot of bad juju out there, and that's why I’m on the computer and not watching the television right now. If there’s anything in the State of the Union address that I need to worry about, please let me know.

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